Taking another swipe at individual freedoms, in addition to bans on alcohol and fresh meat, the government has decided to ban Tinder on poya days. “We are trying our best to create a puritanical society – unfortunately our people appear to be regular human beings who enjoy a drink and some fun” explained a government…
In a highly mature completely un-petty move, Sri Lanka Cricket has decided to hire Darrel Hair as a consultant for the Australia tour to Sri Lanka. Speaking to reporters, SLC President Thilanga Sumathipala explained, “Since Murali has decided to work with Australia, we have decided to hire his nemesis Darrel Hair to counter his impact.”…
The Government has decided to disband the FCID as with the blocking of Pokemon Go in Sri Lanka, the FCID’s objective of “Gotta Catch ‘Em All” is now redundant. An FCID spokesman commented, “I’m not surprised about this news because we couldn’t even catch Gota let alone catch them all.” The head of the FCID…
Day 3: Delighted to hear that Boris Johnson is the new Foreign Secretary in the UK. Seeing his amazing rugby skills I have no doubt he too will tackle all the challenges that come his way. As shadow Foreign Minister of Sri Lanka I must write a letter welcoming him to the fraternity. This is…
Day 1: What a great day. The culmination of every Lankan politician’s dream – the first night at Welikada. It’s like a rite of passage towards knowing you’ve made it as a politician. It was pretty exciting providing a live feed of my own arrest – Appachchi was saying that in his time he never…
After hanging on for 14 months after the first allegations against corruption in the bond market, Arjuna Mahendran has finally succumbed to pressure and vacated his post as Governor of the Central Bank. Following the footsteps of his mentor, Ranil Wickramasinghe, Mahendran gallantly hung on to his post despite widespread public disapproval and numerous failures.…
After years of vilifying ex-pres Mahinda Rajapaksa’s attempts to destroy democracy in Sri Lanka, with the dawning of Brexit and the rise of Donald Trump, global leaders have finally seen the wisdom of his actions. Speaking to reporters from his Beliatta home, Rajapaksa said “I’ve been saying for years that democracy is the worst possible…
Sri Lanka’s premier has provided comfort to David Cameron by offering a seat at SAARC in case Britain must leave the EU. “We are more than happy to welcome a friendly face to our dysfunctional family of South Asian nations. Now that England is anyway full of Sikhs, Punjabis, Lankans, and Bengalis, they’ll fit right…
IMF Sent Home Following the massive rains Sri Lanka’s government has stated that they will no longer need IMF support, “The IMF said that Sri Lanka has liquidity problems. I urge them to come here and see for themselves – we have liquidity pouring out of every unplanned drainage system – I can categorically state…
The Chronicle obtained a copy of ex-pres Rajapaksa’s personal diary, which he had left behind at the Dubai Airport following his recent trip to Uganda. Day 1: Just stepped off my Emirates flight in Kampala. God, I can’t believe I have to fly Business Class like a peasant. Yahapalana cheapskates couldn’t even afford First Class…
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